she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
