I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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