I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
