I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
