just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Randomize
