I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
