It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
