Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
