Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
