so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
