U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
