when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
