i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
