dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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