You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
