Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
