I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
