I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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