Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
