i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
