I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
