just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My vagina is very pro this idea
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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