were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
