Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
