Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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