I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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