I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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