Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
