Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
