I can feel you judging me through the phone.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
