My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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