I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
