Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
