i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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