Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
