Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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