But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
