thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
