Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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