I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Less talking, more tequila
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week