I wish my penis had an off switch
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on