there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
