Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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