I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
