I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
