Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
