im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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