I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
