hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
