apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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