Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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