i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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