I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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