The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
