Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
