2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
