you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
