she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
