So drunk its hurt
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
