I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
