Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
