A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize