batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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