We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
